Vipassana: An important OS update (part 3/3)

I lived like a monk for 10 days to learn Vipassana, an ancient meditation technique. Here's how it went.

(This is the final post of a three-part series on Vipassana. Check out part 1 and part 2 to read about what Vipassana is and what made me decide to go.)

My Experience

According to Buddhism, the ego is a self erected entity that only exists by itself and gives rise to selfishness and greed. The key to living a content life then lies in practising selfless compassion and love.

The ego progressively disintegrates over the 10 days. I felt attacked on day 1. I had packed 3 pairs of clothes and necessities. My suitcase was light and it shut without any scuffle. That was an unfamiliar feeling, unsettling almost. I could feel an identity crisis brewing from the very first second I stepped foot on the campus. Who is Suhani without her quirky earrings? Who is Suhani? Who am I, and not just what my name is? At the same time, I felt like I was a part of a lab experiment, like a lab rat put in a very controlled environment. I felt exposed.

I stopped counting after day 5. I thought I'd be more excited to count down rather than count up, but by this time, I had completely surrendered. I was committed to finishing the course, come what may. I was not going to run away, and I had stopped looking for convincing excuses. I think my determination also stemmed from desperation. I felt exhausted from constantly feeling anxious, and somewhere this felt like it could be the cure.

The first few days were tough. It was hard to keep my mind steady and focused. My brain had many opportunities to wander, and my anxiety always kept it company. A lot of thoughts kept popping up, precisely like microwave popcorn: slowly at first, then a rapid rise, becoming very loud at its peak and then complete silence with an occasional pop here and there.

It started with apprehensions like: What am I doing in life? Will I be able to finish this degree? Am I making good use of my gap year? All were pertaining to the current phase of my life. Then it went a little deeper to questions like Am I worthy? Will I make my parents proud? Will I ever find true love? Then as if I was done thinking about myself, I started thinking about the world. What is the future of space travel? Will we reach Mars in my lifetime? How bad is climate change? What's going on in the world right now? At one point, I found myself worrying about the Ukraine-Russia war and the safety of my brother, who lives in Germany. My anxious thoughts took me way too far in terms of distance, depth and probability.

Finally, as if I had exhausted all unpleasant thoughts, my mind got quieter. To eventually wondering what the sky is going to look like when I get out of this room. To nothing at all. No ifs or buts.

I was able to achieve this state of mind only a couple of times throughout the 10 days, and it lasted very briefly, but I take a happy refuge in knowing it is achievable. I think I experienced the full capacity of my mind. I know the range of all my thoughts now, which is both, a little scary and relieving.

On the days I felt like running away, I would ask myself to wait for the pravachan. Goenka Ji was a sage and a funny man. He spoke in metaphors and had a lot of stories to share: stories of Buddha, stories from his days as a businessman, mythical stories, religious stories…just a lot of stories. Every day he would rationally explain Buddhist ideals. He delivered so much wisdom and would simultaneously answer all the doubts and questions that had risen from that specific day's practice. Every night, I left the screening room feeling safe and content and was able to put a little more faith in the process.

Each day presented itself with new and different challenges. There was one emotional day when all I could think about was death. There was one day when the physical pain of maintaining the same posture for hours was just unbearable. There was one day when I could not get Billy Joel's ‘We didn't start the fire’ out of my head. It is one of the few songs where the order of the stanzas matters. Figuring out the correct order kept me busy.

I realised eventually that all these "problems" revolved around the theme of impermanence which is one of the key takeaways from the practice of Vipassana. Buddha never intended to preach his ideals to his disciples. The entire Buddhist philosophy is built on the foundation of learning from experience. Vipassana turned out to be a very valuable, successful experience at that. I haven't been able to practise it even once after returning, but I think it is a skill I will utilise throughout my life. That being said, attending a single 10-day retreat in no way makes a master. My understanding of it will only get better with time and practice. I am excited to hone this skill and reap its benefits.

A lot of things did happen while I was gone. To name a few:

• The prime minister of the U.K. resigned.

• Taylor Swift dropped a new album.

• Anthony Robert McMillan, the actor who plays Hagrid, passed away.
  

The first day back home was overwhelming but reaffirmed everything I had learnt in the days past. Nothing is permanent. Practising detachment and taking things in stride will make our lives more manageable and fulfilling.

I was uprooted from my life for 10 days. I had absolutely no idea what was going on in the world. The world didn't stop, nor did I expect it to. I'd like to end this three-part series by quoting Billy Joel for aptly summing up the lessons I learnt from my first experience of Vipassana: “We didn't start the fire. It was always burning since the world's been turning”.

I am eager to see what changes this practice will bring to my life. I’ll keep you updated. For now, Sabka Mangal Ho!

Considering attending a Vipassana course? Get more information at https://www.dhamma.org.