A year of confronting Boggarts

It has been three months of living away from home for my first big girl job. I pack my own lunch every morning. I wake up early to make a cup of coffee and drink it in peace before stepping into hustle mode. Today, I went to watch Kung Fu Panda 4 in the theatre—all by myself—and had the best time. If that is not adulting, I don't know what is. 

A friend asked me recently how I have been. Out of habit, I instantly said I was fine. I think, for the first time in my life, I actually really meant it. It feels forbidden to use that word for its true meaning. Such a funny world we live in. We attach meanings to a string of letters, which are basically just sounds we can make with our mouths. Sometimes, actually, a lot of times, words aren't the most effective way of expressing what we feel. That's funny coming from me, someone who vomits words as if I have had a wild night out. I think it comes from a deep fear of being misunderstood. But today, I have decided to finally take this post out of the drafts and stop nitpicking what words I choose because words have proven to have no definitive meaning. 

In 2022, words felt too empty to convey anything I felt. The world felt heavier than it ever had. Maybe it was. It felt like I was sliding and cracking and settling under it, all words used to describe a structural failure. I took an inventory of my life and felt very strongly and desperately that this was not where I wanted to be. (side note: at this point, I was three-fifths of the way through my bachelor of architecture degree)

I was feeling a lot of feelings starting with the letter "D": despondent, drained, defeated…desolate. There are many reasons for why I was feeling that way. I didn't have a lot of conviction to explain why I was doing what I was doing. For the longest time, I was doing things that I assumed were expected out of me that I forgot what I expected out of myself. It is a lot of pressure to take on for any human, let alone a 20-year-old to constantly feel the need to justify their existence.

I decided to turn a non-quadrisect year into a leap year. It truly was a year of leaps, and it was a year of hard-won lessons. I recognise my privilege for being able to do this and am deeply appreciative of my family's support and patience. 

During my year off, I travelled extensively, sometimes with old friends, sometimes with new friends and sometimes with family, but mostly on my own. I attended a 10-day Vipassana meditation retreat. I hiked up to the base camp of the tallest mountain in the world. I took courses to explore my interests. I chased loose strings in my life to see where they came from. I saw a lot of art and tried to make some. I did a bunch of things. Here's a summary:

I took more trips this year than any other year and consequently ate more theplas than ever.

I saw some of the best sights I've ever seen.

I met so many wonderful people.

I ate some of the best meals I've ever eaten. 

I had experiences I wouldn't have had otherwise.

I felt infinitely small, and I felt larger than life.

I experienced love more deeply and profoundly.

I felt lost, and I felt found.

I experienced stillness and movement.

I travelled so much, to places I hadn't been to before, both outside and within. I fell in love with the familiarity of foreign objects, foreign places and foreign people. Sometimes, coming back home was almost as hard as leaving. Every time I was home, I craved movement and change; every time I was away, I craved stability and routine. I realised how deeply hard-wired it is in my brain to always be productive. How I constantly feel the need to be doing things to feel like I am moving forward in life. And how I had to feel worthy of love in order to accept it. 

Some realisations I had that I'd like to share with you: 

• Having experiences to call your own is a new kind of freedom.

• Who you are is much greater than one experience. You are greater than your suffering.

• Happiness is fleeting, but so is sadness. All emotions are transitory. 

• You only experience loss if you have experienced love, and you only experience pain if you have experienced joy. One doesn't exist without the other. We are fortunate to have both experiences because they come together.

• Travelling instantly pushes you out of your comfort zone: a new city, different weather, different food, and a different culture. You don't meet the same people you'd meet every day when you're at home. You find things within yourself to hold on to that keep you grounded. Parts of your identity, things that only you know, aren't going to leave. 

• I felt untethered for a long time, and it led to a lot of immobilizing self-doubt. I have learnt that knowing yourself is grounding. But it's an infinite loop. You have to let the software keep running in the background. 

• Mountains look blue when they are far away, and clouds look grey when it's dark outside. 

• This quote I heard somewhere that stuck with me: Life unfailingly responds to the advances of love.

• Our value is not a condition of productivity. Our value and worth are in our existence. It is in the "being", not doing.

This year has helped me to strengthen my footing, to move against my natural inclinations towards what is really important to me, and to let love in. Last June, I joined college again. It is easy to slip back into the anxious loops that prompted me to consider quitting earlier. But I am learning to be more compassionate towards myself. I don't demand perfection as strongly as I used to. I don't run away from uncomfortable feelings. It takes a lot of effort, and there are days when I fail. But I believe in my capacity to grow, evolve, and confront my boggarts head-on. 

For anyone feeling stuck and lost right now, my heart feels for you. Please know that you are not alone. It brings me peace in knowing we are a part of 9 million species on this planet. Our worth is in our existence, not just in what we do. And we are humans, not fish. We can't just keep swimming. Every now and then, we must come out to catch our breath and to see where we're headed. And sometimes we need floaties, and that's okay. It is important that we allow ourselves the space to pause and breathe every once in a while.

With gratitude and love,

Suhani

This post didn't start as a letter, but I had to end it like one because it feels like I am talking to a dear friend.